The Unhealed Heart

It’s a quiet moment. The clarity in the pause.

A deep breath in. It rustles an escape.

Hands untwisted, the same is the heart.

Eyes lay closed on tear dried cheeks.

Please God, if only you would…

Stepping in, His presence fills the space.

His very breath brings healing grace.

Hands that are scarred upturned with open arms.

My tiny heart cracks and the massive places of lack.

Dear one, if only you’d let me…

With eyes upturned and broken heart in hand

He accepts this gift with a gentle plan.

The process is bitter, vinegar and wine

Taking slow His time, binding hurt lovingly with twine.

‘What’s taking so long’ I cry

‘You can’t rush the heart’s mending’ comes His quiet reply.

Patience is hard. To sit, to wait.

There’s a process in the plan

Even if you don’t understand.

The rush of fear comes beating on my heart

But He answers the fear with a look that would start.

His gentle reminders of hope in the years

The sun through the clouds, laughter in the tears.

A hope and a promise, even yet to be fulfilled

Brings a lightness to the heart, even one that’s broken apart.

-A


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Mary Moments

The story of Christ’s birth has always been a staple for me, especially during Christmas time. As a child I was in countless church plays and programs, retelling the story of baby Jesus with equal parts humor and sentiment. Twice that I can remember I was playing the role of ‘Mary’. As a little girl I didn’t quite understand the gravity of this role. As I got older I came to see Mary as a standard that I couldn’t live up to, the Proverbs 31 woman has nothing on the Mother of Jesus!

So in my mind the bar was set, and set really high. In Luke 1:26 she was visited by the angel Gabriel and his greeting begins with calling her a ‘favored woman’, she was special right from the onset. He goes on to say that the ‘Lord is with you!’ Their exchange is brief and honestly not much information is revealed to her. But in Mary fashion she ends with the words, ‘I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.’

I’ve reread their conversation and here’s what we know:

  • She’s favored
  • The  Lord is with her
  • She’s going to have a baby (Jesus)

Yep, there’s the plan. Um, hold up a sec. And here’s where I get lost. You see I am pretty laid back girl but this would not have been enough information for me. No way. I’d have about 38 more questions and need a pie chart, maybe even a slide show presentation. This, along with a slough of other reasons is why I wasn’t chosen to be the mother of Jesus. Now Doubting Thomas? I could fill those shoes in a hot second!

Now fast forward to my drive to church this past Sunday. I’m an all things Christmas lover; lights, trees, shopping for gifts, music…all of it. So I’m driving to church and I have my Christmas station playing away and an unfamiliar song comes on. It begins by describing Mary and how wonderful she was. My first thought is well I know they’re not singing about me. In a split second God spoke to my heart and asked why can’t it be you?

My thoughts kind of went everywhere at once and I began making a list of how I’m not ‘Mary Material’. First of all, I ask way too many questions, I’m stubborn, I’m not always an easy follower, I like knowing what the outcome will be…I could go on and on. My first stop before church was the store because I’m a procrastinator and needed a few things for my Sunday School class. As I’m standing in line a gentleman pulls his shopping cart up next to me, not behind me, next to me. I look over as he asks how my Christmas is going. I replied ‘pretty good and how’s yours?’ He said not really well and I had no response other than a sad ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

Thankfully I was rescued by being next in line because I didn’t know where to go in the conversation at that point. The man put his few groceries on the conveyer behind mine and I quietly asked to cashier to add his total to my bill. As I paid for his groceries he didn’t realize what was happening until he saw the lady put his items into a bag and he stopped her saying that those were his, not mine. She just smiled and apologized to him. I was walking away and he called out ‘You have a wonderful day!’ I smiled back and wished him a Merry Christmas.

Then it hit me, Mary Moments. See this idea that I have to be a saint to be like Mary is just silly. She wasn’t perfect, but she was willing. She was obedient. I didn’t need God’s loud voice in my ear telling me to buy the gentleman’s groceries or to be polite, but I knew that I needed to; it felt like loving my neighbor. As we go about our business of preparing for Christmas I want to challenge you to look for Mary Moments. Be a little more patient than you feel. Give a little more grace than you’d like to. Show a little more love by going out of your way. Be gracious and kind, be willing- just like Mary.

Merry Christmas!

-A

p.s. The image is circa 1985/86 and this was my first play as Mary along with my cousin Josh as Joseph. Aren’t we cute?!


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Least of These

Who are you?

The misfit
The mindful
The miracle
The maker
The mortal

The broken
The beautiful
The basic
The backward
The brilliant

The crushed
The cruel
The carefree
The castoff
The callous

The lost
The lonely
The loved
The less than
The littlest

We all march out, seekers of truth and life. Eyes wide in anticipation of a King. One who will rule with justice, lest it be left up to us to self govern. High and low, near but usually far from safety is our first place to go. Sending out the call, looking for One who will never fall. Trusting, honest, true; a Hero who always comes through.

He stepped down from the heavens, to be a man. Taking on life as a burden, far too much for us to carry alone. Seeking each heart, straight from the start. Like two halves drawn together, we seek and He reveals. Upturned eyes and hearts find the One. He is steadfast and true, mysterious and brilliant, whole but allowed to be broken; carrying the hearts keys.

He is the King of the Least of These.

That’s you and me.


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Not a Pro

I grew up watching my grandpa Lee build any and all things. He amazed me with his skills in engineering and quick math to get the job done. I’ve seen him look at furniture and then within the next week replicate it. He built rocking elephants, wine barrel furniture, wall art, clocks; and that’s only to list a few. To me he was a craftsman to the core, always drawing on restaurant napkins. If that’s not legit I don’t know what is?

Being able to take bits and pieces of raw material and turn them into something beautiful and useful is my jam. I love it. So it’s very fitting that my excitement level is through the roof right now as I watch our back deck being transformed from ‘taking your life into your hands if you climb the stairs’ to ‘the view from up here is amazing’.

before

You can see from the picture above what a wreck it was. A messy situation for sure. A few nights ago I dreamed that I was standing in front of a house looking at the porch. I had just finished painting the railing white and I was admiring how great it looked. Then something caught my attention and I looked to my left and realized that the house was so much bigger than I had thought. I took several steps back and looked at what was now the whole picture, this giant house but it was in full construction mode.

In my mind I thought the porch was the finished project, and I was content with just the small area that I saw. However there was a much larger project going on that I didn’t even know was there! When I woke up the scripture Psalm 127:1 came to mind. It says, ‘Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.‘ This makes me reflect on our deck. If I tried to build it I would never fully trust in it’s strength and sturdiness. But because the men who are actual builders are putting the posts in and constructing it correctly, I have complete trust. Trust that it won’t fall apart when we enjoy the view from the top. Trust that it will withstand the winds of winter.

Such is life. Over the years I’ve tried to build my life the way I saw fit. Making decisions without consulting the Master Life Builder. Assuming that my plans and ideas were all that mattered. When in reality there was a much bigger project going on that I had no clue about. It’s just like me to have tunnel vision and only see what I want to focus on, like the porch in my dream. After an ongoing remodel of both inside and out of our home I’ve learned a few things. One thing is that the pros are just that, pros. They know what needs to be done and ultimately what can be done. So I need to just let them do their job and in my daily life I need to better learn to hand the plans over to God. He sees the bigger picture and always has my best outcome in mind.

after While our back deck isn’t completely done it’s just like my life; a work in process.

-A


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Bench Warmer

Go back with me to more simpler times. Before church sanctuaries doubled as event centers.  Before you could give your tithes via the click of a button. Even before there were padded hook together chairs. I mean waaay back. Like, 30 years ago when I was still allowed to bring toys to church. Any by ‘toys’ I mean paper and a few color crayons. The quiet kind of toys that miraculously kept me quiet for at least an hour.

And let me tell you, the hour was just the first two songs. Our church was way ahead of Hillsong on the long drawn out songs. Growing up my entire life going to church (which I still enjoy) it wasn’t all Sunday school songs and snack time. So here are a few bench warmer thoughts and insights.

  • The Song Change-up: When I was younger we could go to pretty much any number of local churches and sing from either the brown book or the blue book. It sounded the same, everywhere I went, no changes. Even if it was sung so high only dogs could hear it. No change. Now, it seems impossible to get a song to be sung the same because every worship team wants to “make it their own”. I’m not saying we need to be carbon copies but it is nice to visit a church and actually be able to sing along without fear of being that one voice singing a solo when there isn’t supposed to be one.

 

  • The Bum Rush: I have been on the receiving end of this. My Dad was an evangelist before pastoring for most of my life up until I was a teenager. So we visited a ton of churches up and down the West Coast. Let’s just say some churches were so eager to have new faces that they would basically make a tunnel for us to run through as we entered the church. Now, as a visitor it’s nice to feel welcomed but to be smothered, not so much. A nice ‘hello & handshake’ will always suffice. At least let me get to know you before you decide to give out bear hugs.

 

  • We Have A Runner: There have been many times when I have visited churches and never returned. It’s not that your church was bad it’s just not a great fit. My husband has a phrase, ’31 flavors of churches, if Baskin Robbins can do it why can’t we?’ However, sometimes it was them and not me…for instance one church expected their congregants to run around the church (literally) as they played music. I go to the gym to exercise, not Sunday service. But to each their own.

 

  • Sermon For Eternity: Back before our nice padded chairs there were pews. Yes, wooden, hard, cold pews. Maybe it was to keep us from getting too comfy during the sermon (not about eternity but for eternity). I’ve spent a great deal of my childhood asleep on church pews. Or asleep under them on the floor. Or asleep leading on my Mom’s shoulder. And no, I didn’t have a sleeping disorder. It used to be that the longer the sermon the more spiritual it was thought to be. Well let me just say for the sake of those who are trying to politely yawn behind their Bibles, if you can’t make a point in 90 minutes maybe you’re in the wrong profession.
  • Tight Tights: I should probably apologize to my Mom for the month of Sundays (literally) that I fought with her about my church dress code. I’m sure I begged and pleaded to wear my sweats to church more than a few times. My sweet Mother would walk into my room where I was supposed to be getting ready and find me still bare legged trying to buckle my church shoes. Not gonna happen, she’d wrestle me into my tights and I’d complain pretty much the entire time. Now if you enjoy the constant tugging and pulling up that comes along with wearing tights (or nylons), have at it. But I wanted to run around outside with my cousins after church and tights just weren’t going to cut it. Which brings me to today’s ‘dress wear’ for church. I’m a little older now so I don’t wear my sweats but let me tell you I’ll wear the heck out of leggings! With a modest long shirt of course 😉

 

I have seen the good, the bad and the hilarious in churches. I’ve been to the smallest, wood stove heated church and the state of the art stadiums. I’ve heard world known speakers and little old ladies share their hearts. I’ve experienced God in these and everything in between. That’s what I love about it, there’s no formula for a perfect church as long as we are loving God and loving others; just like He said to.

“Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.” (Colossians 3:16) When we gather, rather in large masses or tiny kitchen tables, let’s set aside pretenses. Let us bring encouragement, love and open arms to the table of grace because we are all there by His invitation.

 

-A


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Grateful for Grief

We are just shy of 1 year. Broken pipes, no heat, no ceiling and no sanity. Okay, there was a tiny bit of sanity left but after a year long house overhaul there wasn’t much. In conversation with those who have done this home remodel stuff before their knowing looks are all the same. They smile and nod and say something like, “Expect the unexpected.” Or “We’ve been through that ourselves. Hang in there! It’ll be worth it.” I’m so glad we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It always sounded like so much fun (I know, I’m a little crazy.) to see the transformation of our older home into something amazing. The potential was just under the surface, I could feel it!

When the deconstruction began so did the rain. It hadn’t rained in so long that the ground couldn’t soak it all up. In fact many stations were reporting local flooding and even talking about how California’s drought could be over because of all the rain we were getting! Take a look at the above picture. You see the wall cabinet to the far left of the picture? Well these old cabinets came down and just as the rain began. One night while we were walking through our now totally empty kitchen we noticed a little water feature, one we hadn’t planned for. The roof was leaking and water was running in down the wall! Honestly my first thought was ‘Well this is fantastic. How much will this cost us?!’ My hope was that we could get by with just a simple fix, no professional help needed…um no.
The roofer was called in and he did his job. Thankfully there was not too much damage and the work continued. Then there was the electrical issue. So the electrician was scheduled and the problem was handled. Each time there was a problem a professional was called in to fix it.
How many times in our lives do we try to “fix” our own problems? We try to keep them to ourselves. The problem with trying to patch everything ourselves is that eventually we become worn out and just give up. We didn’t call the carpet guy to take care of the plumbing. My husband didn’t climb up onto the roof to patch the leak, well, actually he tried but we still needed the professional.
We are stubborn aren’t we? My hand is raised too. I want to patch up an issue using the same old thinking that got me into the problem. When I read Matthew’s words I hear that I can’t patch a hole in my life by trying to match it with something that doesn’t fit. He (Matthew) says in 9:17, “Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will spill, and the wineskins will be ruined. Instead, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” When we come across a part of ourselves or our lives that need to change we usually try to just do patch jobs. We know that our hearts need to change but we think that we can just try to act differently instead of actually going to the One who knows our hearts fully and can change them.
The scripture talks of trying to fill something old with something new. Imagine if we would have just decided to hang our new cabinets right over the water leak? It would look really nice for a while, maybe if we kept the doors closed you wouldn’t even notice the water spot. Eventually though with the water sitting in the wall there would be mold and decay. Then we’d have to take the cabinet off the wall and replace it again. Costing time and more money. Isn’t it funny that Jesus was a carpenter while on Earth? He was and still is the Master Builder. He knows what “fixes” we need when life seems to fall apart around us.
Our hearts, just like the work on our house, takes time. Would I have loved to have our home all fixed up in a couple of weeks? Sure! However, the work took time. It took patience (mostly on my part) to let each professional do their job in the order that needed to be done. So many times I want to rush the work that God has to do in my heart, I want a quick fix. Something I’ve learned is that the grief I’ve experienced has enabled me to be the one who knowingly nods and says ‘hang in there, it’ll be worth it’ to others who are going through something tough. And because of that I’m grateful for the grief.
(If I was reading this I’d want to see ‘the after’ picture so here it is…)
– A

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God’s Voice, literally

So real you’d believe it had actually happened. Have you ever experienced one of those types of dreams? So incredibly vivid; clearer than any High Def T.V. I can recall this dream in quite the detail, but you know what I remember the most? The sound. There was a voice and spoke one phrase, a few words that have held me together when I wanted nothing more than to fall part. Did I mention that this dream was over 7 years ago?
 
Often I’ve heard people say, “God doesn’t talk to me” or “I’ve never heard God speak audibly”. He will and sometimes He does. You see we are so small in our own thinking that we find ourselves putting boundaries on God. Now rarely do we want to admit this. We say things like, “God can do anything!” But how often do we live with this conviction? Admittedly I have, at times, lived with a small amount of doubt tucked away in the corner of my mind. Asking, or should I say, thinking a million questions. What if God doesn’t really care? What if this situation not only not changes, but gets worse?
I had this friend who I was very concerned about. I had watched her make one terrible choice after another, hurting not only herself but her marriage, kids, friends… I had been praying for her and made up my mind to talk to her. That night, as I closed my eyes, little did I know that God was going to talk to me.
 
I saw my friend standing outside of a place I knew well. As she was standing there a huge tornado of fire came swiftly from the sky. As I stood there just watching it completely engulfed her. Then I heard it. His voice. God uttered just one sentence, “Do not let it consume you.” Wait, what? Me? It was her that was on fire, not me. I was the one who was going to save her; I was going to put out the flames. Right?
 
Talk about being wide awake. There was no time to yawn, stretch or even think about coffee. I wanted answers. Preferably, now too! I was lost in my own thoughts of what this dream meant. Why would God tell me not to be consumed? The first place I went was my Bible. God has often shown me things through reading His words. But this was not the case.
 
A few weeks passed and nothing. Until the truth was revealed about things she had been a part of that would not only cause me to question every trusted relationship I had but to question the very God who I lived to serve. I was broken, heart ache like I’d never experienced. And then…
 
“Do not let it consume you.”
 
These words came back to me and were like a salve to my broken spirit. God had not only given me a heads up but He had provided the very words that I needed to hold on to. He knew that if I hadn’t clearly heard Him I might be open to doubting of His love for me. Perhaps I would have let life and the hurts that come, consume me. One scripture in particular that says it all is Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassion’s never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” I will not be consumed by life, pain, struggles, hurt or disappointment. Will you?
 
-A

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Striving to Thrive

What does a mountain climber, a butterfly and a seed have in common? I’ll give you a second…

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Once upon a time…

Once upon a time there were two teenagers. These teens decided that it was a good idea to set out on an adventure. So they did.

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